Porn stars, interactive jizz-boxes, duct tape pasties and a giant mechanical penis? It’s all in a day’s work for us here at Banana Syrup Company. Our crack staff of horny conventioneers headed down to to the Dirty Jerz for Exxxotica ‘09 last weekend and we left as disgusted as we were thrilled. Here are some of the highlights (none of the links are safe for work):
The topper had to be meeting our new friends at Vivid and Digital Playground. Jesse Jane, AJ Bailey, Meggan Mallone, Monique Alexander all graciously spared a couple of minutes out of their busy schedules to chat with BSC about their favorite movies, TV shows and books. As cool and down to earth as these chicks were, the best part about the interviews is we got to chat with the ladies in the “Fantasy Island Room”. No, it’s not the Champagne Room and there’s definitely no sex there, but it was really gratifying to walk out after the interview and have everyone at the con have that, “Who the fuck are these guys?” look. We’re Banana Syrup Company, motherfuckers. Quit staring and go back to browsing the silicone assholes.
Speaking of, this had to be some of the creepiest things we’ve ever seen. Fleshlight Basically it’s a plastic cup which upon is attached a soft rubber orifice of your choosing. Regardless of whether you choose the mouth, vagina and yes, anus (which for some reason was not pink like the other two, but clear), the consensus of the Banana crew was that these are only suitable for 13-15 year old boys. As an adult, the thought of a cup of my own semen kind of grosses me out. No word on if these are dishwasher-safe.
Moving on, we get to the Real Touch. A miracle of modern technology, the Real Touch interactively massages your junk along with whatever is happening on the video that’s playing. Compelling, but I was actually more interested in the technology than sticking my dick in one. Once again, the cleaning of the device seemed to be an issue. It was explained to me that it is not dishwasher-safe, but it could be cleaned with water. Good luck explaining why this thing is in your dish rack. I hope they sold at least a few of these because they seemed to be going through a ton of hand sanitizer.
I suppose no porn convention would be complete without a giant mechanical penis. No, not some kind of monster vibrator, but rather the undercarriage of a mechanical bull, but with a cock and balls body. Whenever we had some downtime, we found ourselves back here to enjoy the comedy. It broke down like this:
Stripper on the mechanical penis: Pretty funny.
Guy on the mechanical penis: Hilarious.
Chubby girl on the mechanical penis: Giggitygiggity.
Might need one of these at the Banana Syrup Company holiday party.
The rest of our time was spent taking in the various oddities, including the people who actually come to these sorts of things. Yeah, I’m talking to all of you who showed up with a binder full of 8×10 glossies looking to add to your autograph collection. You want us to think that you’re big fans, but we know you’re working on that flesh suit in your basement. Big ups to the big dominatrix, Mr. Dickonwheels (the wheelchair porn guy) and the people at WeAbuseSluts.com, who unfortunately weren’t selling any of their T-shirts. And as far as abusing sluts go, we were disappointed that although there were no shortage of women slapping guys on their tender parts, none of them were willing to take any floggings. Even after some negotiation, El Scorcho was not able to get the sex-swing girl in the sex-swing for a good ass-reddening. Lame.
That about wraps it up for all of you cheap thrill fans. Be sure to check out the photos on the Greenjacket site and we’ll see you back there again next year.
El Scorcho lives in his parents' basement but is moving out as soon as Banana Syrup Company blows up. In the meantime, he sits around sniffing airplane glue and reading books about economics. He also owns a bicycle and enjoys chicken salad.